Pennycillin™ : ”You won’t find a cheaper medicine anywhere! Take as needed for malnutrition, low blood sugar, and lack of weight.”
Placebo Marketing
July 2nd, 2011Techniques for Harnessing Excess Energy of Climate Change Deniers
July 2nd, 2011Paint Al Gore’s face onto punching bags. Replace bag hinge with thin piezoelectric bar, which creates an electric current when mechanically deformed. Offer free unlimited punching.
Lincoln Chanes: His Many Layers
June 30th, 2011Lincoln Chanes was asleep in bed.
A voluptuous woman took aim at him with a gun.
Calling upon animal reflexes, Chanes quickly snatched the gun away. ”Melatona, what the hell are you doing?”
“Oh, Linc. I’m not the woman you think I am. My name is Russiana Dahl. I was just pretending to seduce you on behalf of my ruthless criminal employer but then fall for you and try to save you from him. In fact, I pretended to seduce you but then fall for you, but I really have fallen for you!” Read the rest of this entry »
Linc Chanes: Objects in Mirror Are Not As They Appear
June 25th, 2011General Atlas Skruggs stepped into Lincoln Chanes’ subterranean solitary confinement cell.
“Chanes, I’m glad you’re here today. My agency has three top secret jobs for you to consider. Let me introduce you to the first one.”
Lincoln Chanes: Plot of Death/Death of Plot
June 18th, 2011“Beyond the law is organized crime, which lives by its own ancient law. Beyond the law of organized crime is the law of the jungle, where you kill or be killed. Beyond the law of the jungle is the law of physics, where you torture and maim for absolutely no reason at all.
“A lion lives by the law of the jungle, killing to survive, eating all it kills. A lion doesn’t torture its prey just for fun. Lions are pussies.”
Lincoln Chanes was describing his worldview over the phone to Ino-Yuno Yuno-Ino, reclusive, mysterious master of a brutal Yakuza clan, and Chanes’ potential employer.
James Bond in Ian Fleming’s “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”
June 4th, 2011I was thrilled to learn that there’s an Ian Fleming novel that has never been made into a James Bond movie. So, as I did previously, I have written a screenplay for the coming attractions of a James Bond movie…
James Bond in “The Anorexic Epileptic Limbo Dancer with the Golden Gun”
June 4th, 2011< Bond’s theme music swells. Silhouettes of lithe woman crawl through multicolored tubes. Nude limbs slowly emerge from a pool of multicolored plastic balls. A nude with strategically placed pepperoni slices reclines on a metal counter while grated mozzarella falls like snow. >
< The title appears: “Ian Fleming’s James Bond, Agent 007, in The Anorexic Epileptic Limbo Dancer with the Golden Gun” >
Read the rest of this entry »
James Bond in “For Your Lips Only”
May 29th, 2011Here is the script for the coming attractions of “For Your Lips Only”…
A Type-able Upside-Down Code
May 21st, 2011Here is the code, useful for messages only intended to be read on small screens that can be turned upside-down:
a b c d e f g h i j k l e q ) p a j 6 y ! f X 1 m n o p q r s t u v w x y z w u o d b J s + n ^ m x h z A B C D E F G H I J K L V 8 )(| 3 j 9 H I r X 1 M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z W N O d 'O 'd S L n A M X h Z
Remember to type your message backward.
Here is an example of what a coded message would look like:
:aX!1 Xoo1 p1nom a6essaw papo) e +eym jo a1dwexa ue s! aJaH